If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill whatís empty. Empty whatís full. Scratch where it itches.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill whatís empty. Empty whatís full. Scratch where it itches.

Do I run? Yes.. Out of time, patience and money.

Do I run? Yes.. Out of time, patience and money.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.

What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.

Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

If you have an issue, get a tissue.

If you have an issue, get a tissue.

Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!

Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!

I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!

I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!

Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get used to it it's not so hot any more.

Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get used to it it's not so hot any more.

Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.

Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.

Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Mirrors canít talk, lucky for you they canít laugh either.

Mirrors canít talk, lucky for you they canít laugh either.

Real Eyes. Realize. Real Lies.

Real Eyes. Realize. Real Lies.

I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.

The only relationship I have is with my Wi-Fi. We have a connection.

The only relationship I have is with my Wi-Fi. We have a connection.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.

You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.

We are going to be best friends forever... besides you already know too much.

We are going to be best friends forever... besides you already know too much.

Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along.

Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along.

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

Yes of course I am athletic... I surf the Internet every day.

Yes of course I am athletic... I surf the Internet every day.

You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.

You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.

I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.

I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.

Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears.

Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears.

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

My personality is up and down, sassy and cheeky.

My personality is up and down, sassy and cheeky.